How to Get Out of Your Own Way

Hi my name is Roslyn, I’m a 2x founder and executive coach. I share actionable ideas you can use to build with integrity, live a meaningful life and achieve sustainable succcess without burning out. I also work with founders & leaders 1:1, which you can learn more about here.

Hi there,

Hope you’re having a beautiful week! 

It’s starting to feel like spring in NYC. This past weekend my partner and I went and played volleyball on the piers near our place in Brooklyn. Winter makes you realize what a gift it is to be able to spend time getting active outdoors. I’m also finding with the nice weather I'm feeling pulled to reach out, to connect, to be more social. 

What does the turn of the season bring up for you?

Today I want to talk about what to do when the thing holding us back from what we most want is…. us. 🫠

We’ll cover:

• How the stories we tell ourselves shape our realities (with lots of examples from an entrepreneurial context, including from my own personal experience)

• My favorite tool to shift the stories we tell ourselves, so we can manifest what we actually want

• Today’s expander, a pretty famous female founder, who got vulnerable about how fear of judgment was holding her back from building with integrity and intuition

🌊 Where we go deep on how to build with integrity and live a meaningful life.

HOW WE GET IN OUR OWN WAY

You have a grand vision for your business that’s meaningful, impactful and inspiring. You have a thoughtful plan for how to get there. You know what you need to do. 

But you’re getting stuck. Things aren’t going the way they’re supposed to.

It can feel tempting to blame it on external circumstances.

“The market is bad right now.”

“Investors don’t invest in people like me.”

“My employees just don’t get it.” 

Maybe there’s some truth to these statements. And it can feel good in the short term to believe these stories, to shift the blame elsewhere, to say it’s anything but us.

But seeing yourself as the victim of external forces isn’t empowering—it leaves you feeling powerless to influence your own fate.

The truth is, a lot of the time, the thing that’s holding us back from going where we want to go is us. We create stories that disempower us and keep us from taking the steps we need to move forward.

I hear them and work on them all the time with my clients (and have experienced many of these myself).

💭I’m not qualified as a leader
💭 If I don’t raise capital, my business will die
💭 My company isn’t growing fast enough
💭 I’m not good at finance
💭 I can’t do it all myself but I don’t have the funds to hire
💭 My successes to date aren’t enough
💭 My company isn’t good enough
💭 If I don’t do [X] for my employee, I’ll lose them
💭 I can’t take time away from my business
💭 I don’t know what I’m doing

WHEN WE THINK OUR THOUGHTS ARE OUR REALITY

Here’s what happens when we believe these thoughts.

Our thoughts influence our emotions. 

Negative stories we tell ourselves tend to bring up negative emotions: fear, guilt, anxiety, shame, anger, frustration, overwhelm, pessimism, resent, jealousy, panic, worry, despair, discouragement, bitterness, apathy.

The CEO who believes that if she doesn’t raise capital, her business will die, feels anxious, desperate, and pessimistic.

The founder who thinks that if he doesn’t promote his employee that they’ll quit, feels fearful, resentful, and guilty.

The entrepreneur who thinks they’re not good at finance feels inadequate, and anxious.

The leader who thinks their company isn’t growing fast enough feels overwhelmed, discouraged and ashamed.

Our emotions then influence our behaviors.

The CEO who’s anxious, fearful and pessimistic about raising shows up a nervous wreck to her investor meetings and investors pick up on that energy. They become distrustful and doubtful about the company too. Or she procrastinates fundraising tasks because she’s trying to put off the inevitable doom of her company failing when she can’t raise, thereby slowing any momentum she had.

The founder who’s feeling fearful and guilty promotes his employee before they’re ready, in order to “keep them from leaving”. The employee starts to drown in the new responsibilities they weren’t yet equipped to handle. Other employees see it as unfair and become disenfranchised. 

The entrepreneur that feels shame and inadequacy in their business skills offloads their finances entirely to a team member and loses oversight of an important aspect of her business. She sticks her head in the sand and her anxiety increases because she’s unaware of the business’ financial health.

The founder who’s feeling overwhelmed and ashamed about his company’s growth rate starts to pursue growth channels that look good from a vanity metrics standpoint, but don’t represent high quality growth with the right customers. He starts to share less of what’s really happening with his co-founder because he’s ashamed of this. 

Many of these entrepreneurs in the examples above are likely acting in a way that’s not in alignment with their true vision and values.

The negative stories they’re telling themselves, when combined with their core wounds acting up, are causing them to act in ways that are not fully in integrity for them.

You can see how when we believe a negative thought, we can end up manifesting it. 

We fear what might happen if we can’t raise capital—and that fear keeps us from showing up confidently and taking the actions we need to to successfully raise.

We promote an employee out of guilt, and then the rest of our employees feel resentful and we feel even more guilt.

We offload finance to someone else out of shame and inadequacy and then we REALLY don’t know what’s going on and we feel even more inadequate. 

We prioritize vanity metrics over high quality growth because we’re ashamed, and then hide it and feel even more ashamed.

OUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT OUR REALITY

But here’s the thing about these thoughts. They’re just thoughts. And they don’t need to dictate our actions or our outcomes.

We have the power to catch our thoughts and to choose more empowering ones.

We can choose stories that instead of making us feel anxious, guilty and ashamed, they make us feel hopeful, excited, and confident. 

And we can reinforce those thoughts enough that they become our default story. 

“Neurons that fire together, wire together” (Donald Hebb). The more you think a particular thought, the stronger and faster that particular neural connection becomes in your brain and the more deeply you believe it.

From that place of believing a more empowering thought, we can then more easily behave in ways that do move us towards our vision, that feel in integrity, that allow us to step into our authentic and powerful leadership. 

Here’s how.

THE WORK

The Work of Byron Katie is one of my absolute favorite thoughtwork tools I use for coaching clients on limiting beliefs. It operates in part by dismantling our existing neural wiring and promoting the formation of new neural pathways.

It’s designed to help us understand how a certain thought, belief or story is affecting us, and it introduces the real possibility of alternate stories we can choose to believe instead. 

Here’s how it works.

1. IDENTIFY A LIMITING BELIEF

Think of a stressful situation or somewhere you feel stuck and consider what or who in the situation is causing you anxiety or any kind of negative emotion. The idea is to root down to the thought that is causing you a negative emotion. I find journaling can be helpful for getting to the bottom of it. Alternatively a coach can help pull out limiting beliefs as you describe the situation to them. 

For this exercise you’ll want to frame up the painful thought by distilling it into a simple declarative sentence, omitting your emotional state and any qualifiers.

For example:

“I’m anxious my company isn’t growing fast enough” → “My company isn’t growing fast enough”. 

 “I feel awful when investors doubt me” → “Investors doubt me”. 

“I feel ashamed when my employees question me” → “My employees shouldn’t question me”.

I’ll use a real, recent example from my own experience to illustrate The Work. A thought that’s been stressing me out lately is: My business isn’t growing fast enough.

2. ANCHOR INTO THE SITUATION

Think about a recent situation when you experienced having the stressful thought you identified. This will allow you to access your feelings and behaviors more readily as you go through The Work. 

Last week, after reviewing my Q1 results and comparing them to my expectations, I was feeling “behind” where I thought my business “should be”. 

3. INQUIRY

The Work of Byron Katie consists of four very specific questions asked in a particular order. I’ll use my example to demonstrate my own work in italics.

1. Is it true? (yes or no - if no, skip to question 3)

Yes (it does feel true to me in this moment).

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (yes or no)

No.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 

3a. What physical sensations and emotions do you notice, when you believe that thought?

I feel shame, anxiety and inadequacy. I feel a pit in my stomach and a weight on my chest.

3b. How do you treat yourself in that situation when you believe that thought?

I make myself work harder. I feel like I need to be getting through my to-do list and moving things forward. I feel guilty when I rest. I feel like I need to show up “perfectly” for my clients which negatively affects my presence, intuition and curiosity.

How do you treat the others in that situation when you believe that thought (the situation, the other person, the goal)?

I have less conviction and magnetism on intro calls with potential clients. I turn into more of a people-pleaser instead of holding my boundaries or challenging my clients. I doubt my ability to help people and feel like I need to “prove my value”. As a result my presence, intuition and ability to hold space decreases.

I feel like more of an imposter when I interact with people connected to my business. I fluctuate between working hard towards my goal and making excuses for not doing the things I need to do to advance my goals.

Question 4: Who would you be in that same situation, without the thought?

4a. What physical sensations and emotions do you notice, there in that situation, without the thought?

I feel hopeful, optimistic, relaxed, happy. My body is lighter, my breaths are deeper, my limbs feel lighter. 

4b. How do you treat the others in that situation without that thought (the situation, the other person, the goal)? 

I would treat clients, potential clients and people I interact with in my business with more confidence, more self-assuredness and more compassion, presence and curiosity. 

4c. How do you treat yourself in that situation without that thought?

I would allow myself to do whatever feels good. I would listen to my intuition on what I want to work on and when, instead of forcing myself to do work in a controlled way. Whenever I would rest, I wouldn’t feel guilty, I would let myself enjoy it. 

4. THE TURNAROUNDS

Turnarounds are the opposite versions of the original thought that offer different perspectives on the stressful situation. They invite us to try out new thoughts and to open our minds to new possibilities.

There are three types of turnarounds:

• Turnaround to the opposite

• Turnaround to the other

• Turnaround to the self

Although we look for three types of turnarounds we don’t always find them, simply due to the nature of some original thoughts. Or sometimes they end up sounding a little weird, but they still work — which we’ll see in my example. 

Once we find a turnaround, we then look for three pieces of evidence to support that the turnaround could be as true or more true than the original thought.

Turnaround to the Opposite

In order to turn a thought around to its direct opposite, simply change a positive statement to a negative statement or a negative statement to a positive statement. 

My company isn’t growing fast enough → My company is growing fast enough

3 pieces of evidence that support this:

• The pace I’m onboarding new clients at is giving me the time and space to continue learning and growing as a coach and set up the foundation for the rest of my business operations.

• I got married last month and if I had many more clients it would’ve been too overwhelming to manage my wedding planning while supporting a full client roster.

• I already have seven incredible clients and the work I’m doing with them is helping me grow so I’m ready for the next set of clients I’ll onboard.

Turnaround to the Other

Turning a thought around to the other most often involves reversing or switching the subject and the object in the sentence. 

For example:

“Investors doubt me” → “I doubt investors”

“My employees shouldn’t question me” → “I shouldn’t question my employees”

The current example we’re working with ends up sounding a little funky but we’re going to work with it anyways and see what comes up:

“My business isn’t growing fast enough” → “Fast enough isn’t growing my company”

3 pieces of evidence that support this:

• Rushing the growth of my business might cause me to make decisions that aren’t fully in integrity, like bringing on a client that’s not the right fit, or using marketing copy or sales tactics that don’t feel good. Ultimately those don’t support growing the type of business I want to run.

• When I shifted my focus from booking sales calls and converting clients, to just going out and connecting authentically with people as a way to meet new potential clients, it felt way more in integrity for me, even though it’s more time consuming.

• History shows that in business, prioritizing long term sustainability over short term profit creates lasting impact.

Turnaround to the Self

Turning a thought around to the self is most often accomplished by simply making the

sentence an “I sentence”. When the thought is already self-referential, try substituting “my thinking or “my thoughts” for the subject. 

For example:

“Investors doubt me” → “I doubt myself”

“My employees shouldn’t question me” → “I shouldn’t question my myself”

Coming back my example:

“My business isn’t growing fast enough” → “I’m not growing fast enough”

3 pieces of evidence that support “I’m not growing fast enough”:

• My urgency for faster business growth reveals that I still tie my worthiness to external success—and there's inner work to be done there

• I keep on getting sick which is my body telling me to slow down and focus on my healing. I need to focus on taking care of myself and expanding my nervous system’s capacity to hold the growth that I’m seeking before I’m ready to experience it.

• I need to deepen my trust that my business is unfolding in the timing it’s meant to be and cultivate my ability to surrender the outcomes to the universe.

Once you take your stressful thought through the four questions and the three turnarounds, take a moment to reflect on what you took away from the exercise. Check in with how you’re feeling. 

For myself, after I took my stressful thought about the growth of my business through The Work, I feel some relief. I feel more peaceful. It makes it easier for me to believe that my business is unfolding at exactly the pace it’s meant to.

You might not be fully ready to let go of your thought, especially if it’s deeply ingrained. Some thoughts take going through The Work several times to start to loosen them up and for alternate neural pathways to get stronger than the original one. 

I hope you’ll give it a try on a thought that’s been stressing you out. Please let me know how it goes.

And if you want support from a coach in identifying and dissolving your stressful thoughts are stories, let’s chat. I love supporting clients with this.

🪞 Your turn to reflect. Take these prompts to your morning journal or talk it over with a friend or coach.

1. Where’s a place in my business or life that’s causing me stress, pain, or that I’m feeling far away from where I want to be?

2. What’s a stressful thought that’s keeping me stuck in place, or that has me acting out of alignment with my goals or values?

3. Take this thought through The Work of Byron Katie:

Frame the thought in a simple declarative statement

Anchor yourself in a recent situation where you had this thought

Take the thought through the four inquiry questions:

• Is it true? (yes, or no. if no skip to 3)

• Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

• How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

• Who would you be in that same situation, without the thought?

Find three turnarounds and three pieces of evidence for each turnaround

• Turnaround to the opposite

• Turnaround to the other

• Turnaround to the self

🤿 If you want to go deeper than the deep dive, I curated these resources especially for you. <3

• You can find additional resources on The Work of Byron Katie on her website. Click the “downloads” button on the far right and select “One Thought at a Time” to be guided through The Work. The “Judge your Neighbor” worksheet is also helpful for identifying painful thoughts that are about others.

• If you want to go deeper on The Work, Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is, shares her story, explains The Work in more detail and gives lots of examples of how to use it.

• This podcast episode, an interview with Boyd Varty, touches on The Work of Byron Katie. I also have been bingeing this entire podcast lately — I highly recommend it if you're looking to consume more content about consciousness and evolution.

💥 We’re not really about Forbes 30u30 over here. We’re shining a light on the founders and coaches building from the heart and keeping it real.

Today’s expander is a founder that many of us are familiar with: Whitney Wolfe Herd. She’s back at the helm of Bumble as CEO after stepping way 14 months earlier. I wanted to feature her story in part because I loved to see her honesty and vulnerability in speaking about the very real experience of allowing the fear of judgment and need for external validation to cloud your intuition and integrity as a founder.

“I was so swept up in this external validation that I would not follow my instincts on things, and it degraded me. It took everything out of me,” she says in a recent interview with Fortune.

When we haven’t done the inner work to heal the part of us that needs acceptance and validation over everything else, it can be hard to access and follow our intuition, the messages from our soul of what to do next.

What I love about Whitney’s journey is the clarity and recommitment to her company’s mission she was able to find after taking some time away after burning out. Having taken a break to pause and reflect on what’s actually important to her, it appears Whitney is back and building the company in a way that’s clearly led by an intention to be truly in service to Bumble customers. That genuinely considers what’s wrong with dating and intends to address the root problem directly. Her plans include incorporating self-development into the app, allowing users to better connect with themselves so that they have the foundation to create more meaningful connections with others. I love this approach!

I believe that this connection to intuition and integrity with one’s purpose is what truly builds great companies. I’m excited to see how it all plays out at Bumble! You can check out the full article here.

• 1:1 Coaching: If you’re feeling like you’re getting in your own way of building the company or life of your dreams, and you’re ready to do something about it, let’s chat. You can book a free strategic coaching consultation.

• Let’s be friends: If you want to see the BTS of building Within and receive more tips and ideas on building with integrity, connect with me on LinkedIn and Instagram.

Thank you so much for filling out this poll! I check it every week to see if my content is reonating and your feedback gives me so much energy to keep creating.

Congrats on doing the inner work today to support your outer results AND your wellbeing.

With love,
Roslyn 💚