How to Make Friends in Adulthood

👋 Hi my name is Roslyn, I’m a founder and executive coach. I help purpose-led founders scale their impact without burning out. Learn about working 1:1 here.

Hi there,

I’m thinking of making some changes to this newsletter to make the content more valuable for entrepreneurs. As you know, I write a lot about the inner work related to building a company and living intentionally. 

I’m thinking of mixing in some tactical advice around building too — things like how to build a team and culture, whether or not to fundraise and how to do it, company and personal finances, personal branding for founders, etc. 

The newsletters would cover both the tactical side AND the personal development considerations and tools to help you do these things successfully and in a way that feels good. 

What do you think?

If you have a couple minutes to provide your input, I’d be incredibly grateful if you would fill out this survey.

Thanks for weighing in. 🫶

Today I want to get into something that’s been on my mind recently: cultivating meaningful friendships as an adult. 

Friendship and community are so important to our sense of wellbeing and especially so when you’re doing something as intense as building a company.

So today we’ll be covering:

• The importance of friendship and community

• How our friendship needs change as we evolve and grow

• How we unconsciously block potential meaningful friendships 

• How to intentionally cultivate the friendships and community we desire as an adult

Let’s dive in.

MAKING FRIENDS AS AN ADULT

There’s something about making friends in adulthood that can sometimes feel hard. You’re not in school anymore. You don’t have the built-in support system of your college or post-grad roomies.

You’re not in that early career phase where it feels easier to make friends at work and your besties are still the priority for Saturday night plans over life partners, families or plain old self-care (which seems to be more needed as we age!).

Personally, I’m not yet in that phase where I have kids and a community more centered around them.

On top of that, in the last two years, I’ve moved cities, transitioned out of my company, and been through a pretty major personal transformation. 

Because of all of that, friend groups that at one point felt like my people have naturally grown apart. Not because of anything negative, but just a natural distancing as your life stages and priorities change. You’re no longer bonded by the environment you were once in. Your goals and values evolve as you experience the world in different ways and integrate new wisdom.

My friendships and communities have evolved drastically over the last 15 years. I used to be close with my business school friends, all of us just trying to figure out how to be “successful” in the professional world and have it all together. Then I co-founded my startup, The GIST, and identified deeply as a founder, and naturally I surrounded myself with fellow founder friends, mentors and community.

When I transitioned out of my company after burning out very badly, I found it hard to relate to people that were still on the path of grinding away on the founder journey (which I fully respect by the way, it just wasn’t helpful for me to be around in my vulnerable post-burnout state). 

And as I started on my journey of deep healing work, getting more honest with myself about who I truly am and starting to show up accordingly, it became more difficult to relate to those on a different path (again, zero disrespect, but it just wasn’t as energizing for me).

This has left me in this kind of lonely and vulnerable place, where most of my older relationships don’t necessarily feel like a fit, but I haven’t yet formed or deepened the new, more aligned, deep soul connections that I’m craving. 

THE DECLINE OF ADULT FRIENDSHIPS 

What I’m going through isn’t unique. I’ve heard many people express feeling this way. And in fact as the world becomes more remote and virtual, the decline in community engagement and close friendships among adults has become a significant concern.

Here are a few stats:

• Diminishing Close Friendships: In 1990, only 3% of Americans reported having no close friends. By 2021, this figure had risen to 12%.
  

• Reduced Social Interactions: Americans now spend less than three hours a week with friends, compared to over six hours a decade ago.
  

• Limited In-Person Socializing: Less than half (43%) of Americans socialize with friends in person on a daily or weekly basis.

This trend, often referred to as the "friendship recession," has notable implications for individual well-being and public health.

• Mental Health Challenges: Loneliness has been associated with increased rates of depression and anxiety.​
  

• Physical Health Risks: Chronic loneliness can lead to higher risks of heart disease, stroke, and dementia.​
  

• Mortality Rates: The health risks of social isolation are comparable to smoking and obesity, significantly impacting longevity

As human beings, our need for community and belonging is coded into our DNA. It’s a major contributor to our wellbeing. 

And it’s especially important for entrepreneurs and leaders, who often feel lonely at the top of our companies. Who are going through the highs and lows of navigating uncertainty and having to make decisions that weigh on us everyday.

It’s so important to have a community around us, people that can see us, understand us and relate to what we’re going through. That can provide advice, inspiration and expansion. Or just be there when we’re feeling the weight of the world, going through a low season or really hard day.

So if you want to be a successful entrepreneur or leader, building friendships and community isn’t a nice-to-have. It’s part of what will resource you to have the impact you want to have.

WHAT HOLDS US BACK FROM MAKING FRIENDS

Before I get into my advice for cultivating aligned friendships and community, I actually want to start with the things that can sometimes hold us back from doing so. (I’ve experienced all of these by the way!).

1. LACK OF CLARITY, INTENTION & EFFORT

When you haven’t defined what you’re looking for in a friendship — the qualities of the friendship, how you want to feel in your friendship, what activities you might do together — it’s harder to call in what you’re looking for. 

Because we’ve become accustomed to friendships happening organically like they did in childhood or college, sometimes we’re waiting around for the connections to just walk into our lives instead of recognizing that adult friendships require intentionality and effort.

2. JUDGMENT AND LACK OF OPENNESS

I hate to admit this, but I think because I want to be so intentional about the new friendships I’m cultivating, I suspect that sometimes I’m being too judgmental or picky. I might expect a new friend to have certain qualities or a friendship/friend group to look a certain way. And that blocks me from finding some perfectly wonderful friendships that actually would be an amazing fit, even if they’re different from what I’m expecting.

3. UNHEALED REJECTION & FRIENDSHIP WOUNDS 

It can be hard to put yourself out there or fully trust and open up if you have any unhealed rejection wounds from childhood or have experienced past friend betrayals, one-sided dynamics or being left out or bullied. These things can result in us putting up our protective armor and stopping us from making an effort to build a friendship for fear of being rejected for our real selves.

4. INVESTING IN MISALIGNED FRIENDSHIPS 

Sometimes it feels easier and more comfortable to invest in relationships and communities that are familiar, convenient or easy, even if we’re outgrowing them. Continuing to put our time there signals to the universe we’re not ready to open up the space for more aligned friendships and communities to enter our lives.

5. PERFECTIONISM & PERFORMANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS 

Sometimes you feel like you have to show up as the “together” version of yourself rather than the messy, vulnerable human you are — which blocks true intimacy. As an example, I think about how I don’t invite over new connections for dinner because I feel like our NYC one-bedroom is too messy or not fit for hosting even though my husband and I really enjoy hosting and cooking. Clearly there’s a fear of judgment that’s blocking me.

I find I also at times tend to hold back from allowing friends to see me in the full spectrum of who I am, from my shame and vulnerability to my true power. Sometimes I manufacture this “acceptably vulnerable” version of me, that lets friends see me in some of my flaws and anxieties but not the full thing, for fear they’d reject my full self.

6. FEELING UNWORTHY OF FRIENDSHIPS 

It can be difficult not to look at people we admire in our networks and on social media and think “wow I wish I could be friends with them”, or “I wish I belonged a community like that” and subconsciously there’s this feeling of not being “on their level” or “good enough”, or wondering “why would they want to be friends with someone like me?” This subconscious belief is something that will block us from calling in the exact types of friendships we’re craving. This one is usually tied to those unhealed wounds we talked about before.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF

If you’re someone who’s calling in more aligned friendships, do a quick check of this list or any other potential blocks that might be getting in your way. These are great things to take to your journal or a conversation with a coach, therapist, or even just a good friend. This can help create awareness, start to heal the block, and allow you to intentionally choose to act in a different way going forward.

HOW TO CULTIVATE ALIGNED FRIENDSHIPS & COMMUNITY 

Now that we’ve been through blocks, let’s talk about the aligned actions you can take to cultivate the deep, supportive, loving friendships and community you’re craving. 

1. SHOW GRATEFULNESS & VULNERABILITY IN EXISTING FRIENDSHIPS

I’m really lucky to have some friendships that have stood the test of time and where the other person and I have evolved together in a way where we both still feel loved, supported and inspired. You probably have some of these too. 

For these ones, I’ve been working on:

• Cultivating more openness and vulnerability so these friendships can feel deeper and more connected. 

• Letting people see me in my mess and uncertainty, allowing myself to be held and supported in times when I’ve felt at my worst. And also allowing myself to be seen in all of my greatness. (This is hard for me too as someone who grew up thinking I needed to be humble to be liked).

• Accepting and appreciating these friendships for where they’re at. We may be in different cities or stages of life, and so they may not look like how they once did, but we find new ways of being in friendship that still works on both sides.

• In some cases it can be helpful to redefine the friendship and say, “Okay, we’re not roommates or coworkers anymore but what does it mean to be a good friend to each other in this phase of life? How do we expect each other to show up for the other?”. Establishing these expectations gives you a both higher chance of meeting each others’ needs in the friendship.

Creating the behaviors and dynamics you’re looking for within your existing cherished friendships will allow you to be ready for the new ones you’re calling in. And, as in all manifestation work, one of the key parts of being able to call in what you desire is being grateful for what you already have. 

2. INVEST LESS IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE NO LONGER A FIT

Notice if you’re feeling energized or drained after spending time with a friend. If it’s the latter, you might consider investing less time and energy into that relationship so that you can create space for those more aligned friendships to come into your life. This doesn’t mean you need to break up with your friends or anything like that. You can still be so grateful for these relationships, and the love can really still exist there, without it being a relationship you’re actively going out of your way to invest in.

3. REFLECT ON WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

This is something my coach/healer recommended to me. I had been venting to her about how some friendships weren’t feeling as in integrity and how going out and drinking wasn’t feeling like an aligned activity for me anymore, but how it can feel difficult in a city like NYC to not center drinking as a way to spend time and connect with friends. She asked me how I want to feel in my relationships, and what activities I do envision myself doing with my friends. Which was a great exercise. 

Some of the answers that came up for me were:

• I want to feel accepted, loved and seen for the real, authentic me, not the mask I put on that I think I need to be to be loved in the world. I want to feel I can be fully vulnerable and flawed and equally, fully radiant, and still be accepted and loved for it, not in spite of it.

• I want to feel inspired and expanded by my friends. I want friends who are also doing the work, that are self-aware and understand the healing journey. And that are doing brave, meaningful, purposeful things in the world and inspire me to do so as well.

• I want friends I can have fun and be in the moment with, where there’s laughter and a sense of ease. Where my nervous system can relax and my defenses can come down. Where we hang out for an extended period of time instead of slotting in a catch-up drink in an already-packed calendar, and the conversation can unfold to a place that goes beyond the typical catch-up questions. Or where we can be in comfortable silence or consumed by a shared activity.

• Here’s my list of the activities I want to do with friends to replace going out for drinks. (Many of these are NYC specific — feel free to borrow or adapt for your city).

  • Playing sports! (Tennis in Central or McCarren Park, volleyball on the Brooklyn Bridge Park piers)

  • Going for an iced-matcha latte walk on the BK Heights Promenade or the West Side Highway

  • Going for a hike upstate

  • Yoga, pilates, breathwork, a sound bath or meditation class

  • Sauna/cold plunge at Othership, Bathhouse or Elahni

  • Going to book launches at The Strand, Books are Magic or McNally Jackson

  • Listening to music or seeing an emerging DJ at Nowadays or Public Records

  • Spending a weekend at a yoga, meditation, workshop or wellness retreat out of the city

  • Taking a class together like drawing or painting, astrology, matcha tasting, mocktail-making, creative writing, jewelry making 

  • Having a vision-boarding night

  • Having a book exchange

  • Having a reflection, journaling and card-pulling night

  • Hosting a themed dinner party with intentional conversation

  • Going to a musical or play on Broadway

  • Starting a friend tradition or recurring event like a monthly check-in walk

  • Going on a vacation that revolves around wellness and adventure

4. GOING TO IRL EVENTS AND THEN FOLLOWING UP

I’m trying to put myself out there more by going to events in real life. It can feel a little vulnerable attending events on your own, but it forces you to go up to people and make new connections.

There are SO many events happening around you everyday. It just takes a little bit of intention to see which ones feel energizing to you and then getting yourself to go. 

• Check Eventbrite, Luma and Meetup to see if there’s anything that calls to you. I’ve been taking a look at groups like supermomos for more professional events. 

• I’ve been intentional about saying yes to events I’m invited to that sound fun to me, whether a breathwork class, a female founder retreat or a dinner party.

• I look at what events people are promoting on social media that feel aligned and sometimes choose to go.

This next part is equally as important: when you connect with someone at an IRL event, follow up and actually follow through on making plans. Be proactive. Suggest ideas for activities and actual dates and times. This part can feel vulnerable, but if there’s potential, it’s important to close the loop. Ask someone to grab a coffee or meal or go for a walk. Or pick any activity from my list above.

5. JOIN ALIGNED COMMUNITIES

I’ve personally gotten so much out of joining communities that feel supportive and aligned to my current stage of life, and that have allowed me to connect with people online and IRL. Here are a couple I’m loving:

• Office Hours with Amanda Goetz is a community for entrepreneurs and creators building portfolio companies. I appreciate the education, expansion, friendships and accountability it provides. (As a team of one, these are so valuable!). Most of my interactions are online but I’ve also met up with people who are based in NYC or visiting.

• Post-Exit Founders (PEF) is a community of founders that have moved on from their company and have gone through that same transition that I have of figuring out what to do next. It’s been both online and IRL and has opened up great connections, opportunities and friendships within it as well. (If you’re a post-exit founder and would like to learn more about this group feel free to reply to this email.)

When you think about what communities you might want to join, it can really be based on anything from:

• Stage of life, like Mysha for expecting and new moms or Brooklyn Stroll Club for BK-based dads.

• Physical activities like a local run club, fitness club, or rec sports league.

• Professional or networking like Monday Girl for professional women, YPO for executives, Shanti House for wellness founders, Hampton for high-growth founders

• Interests, like Toastmasters for public speaking or To Be Magnetic for manifestation. You could also try checking our communities curated by your favorite creators. Some substack creators cultivate online communities and events, like Emily Sundberg’s Feed Me. 

6. BUILD YOUR OWN FRIEND GROUP

Instead of waiting to be invited into someone else’s pre-existing friend group, create your own. It only takes finding a couple of aligned friendships and then bringing them together to start to form a group, which can build from there. It’s easier than it looks.

I hope this newsletter made you reflect about what you want out of friendship & community, and that you’ll feel inspired to go out and cultivate them.

Remember, you are so deserving of deep, meaningful and aligned friendships and community. ❤️

Your turn to reflect. Take these prompts to your morning journal or talk it over with a friend or coach.

• How do I want to feel in my friendships?

• What activities would I enjoy doing with friends?

• In what ways might I be blocking opportunities for meaningful friendship?

• What types of communities would I find most supportive right now?

• What’s one step I can take today towards cultivating friendships or community in my life?

 If you want to go deeper than the deep dive, I curated these resources especially for you. <3

LISTEN

• This was such an expansive conversation about forming deep friendships at any point in life, between coach and author, Liz Tran, and Piera Gelardi of Refinery29. 

• Friend Forward by Danielle Bayard Jackson is a whole podcast on understanding the complexities of female friendship. 

READ

• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G Franco

• 1:1 Coaching: If you’d like support building your company while staying rooted in who you are, and without burning out, let’s chat. You can book a free strategic coaching consultation.

• Let’s be friends: If you want to see the BTS of building Within and receive more tips and ideas on building with integrity, connect with me on LinkedIn and Instagram.
  

• 🆘 Help me improve this newsletter: by filling out this survey. Appreciate you so much!!

Finally, tell me how you liked this newsletter below. I check it every week to see if my content is reonating and your feedback gives me so much energy to keep creating.

Hope you have a wonderful week!

With love,
Roslyn 💚