💚 People-Pleasing, Overgiving and Perfectionism

😩 How We Burn Ourselves Out

We often talk about the external factors that lead to burnout — the workload, the perceived lack of control and autonomy, poor leadership, the nature of capitalism — which are all completely valid. But equally important, are the ways in which our own thoughts, beliefs and behaviors contribute to our burnout.

This isn’t to shame or blame anyone for their burnout. In fact, acknowledging that we contribute to our own burnout via the perspectives and actions we learned from our upbringing and cultures, can present a more empowering standpoint. Because it means we’re capable of the personal transformation that can help us avoid burning out again going forward. 

Today I want to talk about three behaviors that contributed meaningfully to my own burnout: people-pleasing, overgiving and perfectionism. Chances are you may have engaged with at least one of these too.

✏️ What are People-Pleasing, Overgiving, and Perfectionism?

I engaged in all of these behaviors both in my work life and outside of it. I thought they were coming from a good place — a desire to help and take care of others, to strive for excellence, to be a great leader. And sometimes that was true. However, through my inner work, I’ve learned that I was also often engaging in these activities out of a place of fear, as a means to prove my value and worth to others. To attempt to control their perceptions of me. And ultimately these actions led to my burnout.

Let’s take a look at each of these more closely.

People-pleasing

“People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of⁠⁠—and to the detriment of⁠—our own needs, wants, or feelings,” according to Hailey MaGee, a life coach who specializes in people-pleasing.

What it can look like:

• Avoiding conflict by aligning your actions and beliefs to what you think everyone else wants.

• Avoiding giving tough but necessary feedback that might result in discomfort.

• Burying what you want and feel to keep everyone happy.

• Doing and saying what you think others want you to do and say to meet their approval.

• Presenting things in a more positive light than they really are to keep the vibe positive.

Why we do it 

• Religion’s emphasis on virtue, good conduct, morality as a condition to connecting with a higher power is deeply embedded in our culture. 

• For women especially, society tells us that our value lies in our ability to care for others. Many of us grew up learning we need to be selfless and support those around us at the cost of our own needs, desires and authenticity.

• People-pleasing can be a behavior we learn as kids to get our needs met and keep ourselves safe, which can continue to run our lives unless we consciously shift them.

Hailey MaGee says that people-pleasing behaviors can be distinguished from kindness by the motivation of the behavior. She says: “At their core, people-pleasing behaviors are motivated by:

• Transactionality (“I’m giving you this so you will give me something”)

• Obligation and guilt (“I’m doing this because I feel like I have to, and if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty”)

• Compulsion (“I’m doing this because I have no idea how not to do this.”)

• Loss-aversion (“I’m doing this in order not to lose you.”)”

Personally, I used to think my people-pleasing always came from a place of caring.  But since I’ve been reflecting, I’ve realized it did often come from a need to be seen in a certain light and to try to maintain certain relationships.

What it results in:

• Self-neglect: Our own needs don’t get met when we prioritize everyone else’s.

• Burnout: When we’re constantly sacrificing our needs and living out of alignment with our truth, our values and our healthy boundaries, we burn out.

• Resentment: We feel under-appreciated and taken advantage of when we are so accommodating to others and they don’t acknowledge it or return the favor.

• Losing a sense of self: When we compulsively deprioritize ourselves, we can start to lose track of what our preferences and needs even are, and who we are.

• Loss of authentic connections: If we’re constantly masking our own needs and authentic opinions, people can’t connect with the real us.

• Lack of clarity: As a leader, when we avoid setting clear expectations and giving necessary tough feedback, it robs our team of the opportunity to grow, and improve in order to meet our expectations and organizational needs.

• Lack of trust: When we avoid honestly voicing our opinions and staying true to our values, we lose our sense of integrity and trustworthiness.

Overgiving 

Overgiving is the act of giving more of of our time, energy, and resources than we actually have capacity to or genuinely want to give.. It’s overextending ourselves — in our work, family, social and romantic lives.

What it can look like:

• Saying yes when you want to or should say no.

• Overextending yourself to your own detriment.

• Having difficulties with delegating.

• Always being available.

• Being the person to always help others and fix problems.

• Taking things on that you don’t actually have the capacity to complete to your standard of excellence.

Why we do it:

• Our society places so much emphasis on productivity and achievement. We think in order to move up in our careers and in society, we need to show we’re contributing, we’re team players, we’re superstars because of all that we can do, complete, deliver, and take on more again. 

• We feel valuable when we’re the savior, who jumps in to save the day.

• We do it out of fear, that if we don’t overextend, we could lose our jobs, a relationship or our reputation.

• For me, my overgiving came from a place of needing to prove myself over and over again, to be seen as reliable, to be acknowledged, accepted and admired. It came from a place of believing that my value is tied to what I do and contribute, rather than who I inherently am.

What it can result in:

• Overwhelm & anxiety: When we take on more than we can reasonably do, we feel completely overwhelmed and anxious about how we’ll get it all done.

• Burnout: Taking on more than we can achieve can cause us to overwork, prioritizing achievement over rest. 

• Decline in effectiveness: We take on so much that it overwhelms our ability to deliver on the most important things.

• Lack of trust: Our efforts to be seen as reliable backfire when we’re not able to deliver on everything we promised to at the expected level. It can result in us being seen as unreliable and untrustworthy.

Perfectionism

Social researcher and author Brené Brown has, in my opinion, the best definition of perfectionism versus healthy striving. According to her:

“1. Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.

2. Perfectionism is an unattainable goal. It’s more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy is spent trying.

3. Perfectionism is addictive, because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.

4. Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgment and blame, which then leads to more shame, judgment and blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.”

And, here’s her description of what perfectionism is NOT:

“1. It’s not striving for excellence. It’s not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move.

2. It’s not the self-protection we think it is. It’s a 20-ton shield we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.

3. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfection is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Early praise for achievement and performance has become a dangerous and debilitating belief system: “I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it, please, perform, perfect, prove.”

4. Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows perfectionism hampers achievement and is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction and life paralysis, or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.

5. Lastly, perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfectionism is a function of shame.”

Just wow. Those definitions blew my mind and were the turning point for me to start to see my perfection not as something to proudly hold on to, but as something that was slowly crushing my spirit.

What it can look like:

• Having high (often unattainable) standards in every aspect of life — from work to personal projects.

• Revisiting and revising work obsessively. 

• Inability to delegate to others for fear it won’t be good enough. 

• Choosing to avoid doing something for fear of failure/ that it won’t be perfect. 

• Procrastinating because of the fear of not being able to do it perfectly.

• Self-criticism, sometimes out of fear that others will criticize them if they don’t do it first.

Why we do it:

• Ultimately perfectionism comes from equating our worth with our achievements and how we present them to the world. It comes from wanting to control the perspectives of others. 

• As Brené Brown tells us, it’s motivated by wanting to minimize shame, judgment and blame.

What it can result in:

• Burnout: When we overwork to meet our own unattainable standards.

• Shame: When we inevitably fail to meet our unattainable standards, we feel disappointed in ourselves rather than proud of the great work we did do.

• Isolation: When we fail to delegate and take it all on ourselves, we can feel quite lonely.

• Slow decision-making: When we fear we’ll make an imperfect decision it can hold us back from making one at all.

• Impaired relationships: Our relationships can be strained as the need for perfection extends to others.

• Reduced productivity: When you spend excessive time on minor details or revisions rather than the more important things.

🌒 The Dark Side of People-Pleasing, Overgiving & Perfectionism

If the negative outcomes outlined above or the opportunity to become a better leader aren’t enough motivation for shifting out of these behaviors, the following might convince you. 

People-pleasers, overgivers and perfectionists are often in a constant state of self-imposed emotional stress, which can have dire health consequences. 

According to Dr. Gabor Maté, author, physician and expert on trauma, stress and childhood development: "Emotional stress is a major cause of physical illness, from cancer to autoimmune conditions and many other chronic diseases. The brain and body systems that process emotions are intimately connected with the hormonal apparatus, the nervous system, and in particular the immune system."

Dr. Maté explains how our bodies manifest the emotional repression we subject ourselves to, often in the form of illness. "The human body has its own voice, and if the person isn’t listening, the body says, ‘I’m going to make you listen. I’ll stop you in your tracks.’”

And women account for almost 80% of autoimmune disease cases. They are at a higher risk of suffering from chronic pain, insomnia, fibromyalgia, long COVID, IBS and migraines and are twice as likely as men to die after a heart attack. And they experience depression, anxiety and PTSD at twice the rate of men. 

According to psychologist and writer Maytal Eyal: “Such jarring disparities cannot be accounted for by genetic and hormonal factors alone; psychosocial factors play an important role as well. Specifically, it seems that the very virtues our culture rewards in women—agreeability, extreme selflessness, and suppression of anger—may predispose us to chronic illness and disease.” (If you want to dive deeper into the studies supporting this, Eyal’s TIME article is a great place to start.)

This link between self-sacrificing behaviors and chronic illness indicates how crucial it is for us to develop self-awareness and start to shift these behaviors.

➡️ How to Shift out of People-Pleasing, Overgiving & Perfectionism

Here’s my advice for starting to shift out of these behaviors and into healthier ones. 

1. Educate yourself further about these behaviors, how they might show up and why we engage with them. Here are my favorite resources:

Follow:

• @haileypaigemagee has such thoughtful explanations and content on people-pleasing. She also has longer form articles, workshops and coaching if you want to dive deeper. 

• Andy Johns on LinkedIn, a startup world veteran turned mental health advocate who talks frequently about how our psychological pain is connected to our addiction to achievement.

Read: 

• On Our Best Behavior by Elise Loehnen, talks about how the seven deadly sins are used to control women and explains how our culture has encouraged many of these self-sacrificing behaviors in women

• Gabor Maté’s: The Myth of Normal and When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress discuss the connection between stress and the onset of chronic diseases.

• Brené Brown’s: The Gifts of Imperfection, which is where I originally discovered her wonderful definition of perfection and started to see it for what it truly was.

• Radical Candor by Kim Scott is amazing for learning how to (and why to) give hard but necessary feedback as a leader.

• Self-Silencing Is Making Women Sick by Mayal Eyal

• Why It’s so Hard to Slow Down by Steven Schlafman

• Answer these 5 questions to tell if you’re becoming a people-pleasing leader by Kelly Campbell’s

Listen:

• Hailey Magee on Fried, the  Burnout Podcast: Boundaries for Burnt Out People Pleasers

• The EXPANDED Podcast - Perfectionism & People Pleasing

• Andy Johns on burnout with high performers on Productea and Lenny’s Podcast.

• Unlocking Us: Brené, Ashley and Barrett on Perfectionism, Numbing, Boundaries, Polling, and Authenticity

2. Reflect on your own people pleasing, overgiving and perfectionism. Can you think of a recent time that you prioritized someone else’s needs over your own, overextended yourself or strived for perfection? Ask yourself what your motivation was. What did you stand to lose and what did you hope to gain? By developing our self-awareness we can start to make a habit of giving to others or striving for excellence only when it aligns with our values, integrity and capacity.

3. Notice where you’re feeling resentful. These are usually clues about where you’re sacrificing your own needs, wants and opinions in favor of someone else’s. The people and situations where you feel most resentful are likely the ones where you stand to gain the most by addressing your people-pleasing and making intentional changes. My burnout coach had me use a resentment journal to keep track of my instances of resent so we could start to see trends and address them.

4. Learn how to set healthy boundaries. If you’re not familiar with boundaries, there’s a ton of amazing literature out there on how to approach them. Nedra Tawwab’s 8 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries and Hailey Magee’s blog are a great place to start. For a deeper dive I’d recommend Nedra Tawab’s book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries. 

5. Update your language to reflect your ability to choose. Often when we engage with these behaviors when we feel like we have no choice in the matter. We feel like ‘I have to say yes to my boss about taking another thing on’ or ‘I have to drive my family member to the doctor’. Shifting your language from “I have to” to “I choose to” reminds us that we have agency over our own lives and decisions. Yes, there might be consequences if you don’t do something. But it may feel more empowering to explore what those consequences are and then make your decision based on your core values rather than based on your limiting beliefs of what you think you have to do. Challenge: try avoid using the words “I have to” or “I can’t” for a week.

6. Reconnect with what you want. Sometimes when our people-pleasing is so deeply ingrained it can be hard for us to even know what we want. When someone asks for your preference about something, instead of defaulting to "oh whatever you want”, practice pausing and tapping into what’s true for you. 

7.  Remember that being honest and staying true to your core values is what makes you reliable, trustworthy and earns you respect. If you avoid prioritizing your own needs, perspectives, time, and values for too long, people will notice you’re out of integrity and mistrust you. They may also start to deprioritize your needs, perspectives and time too as you've indicated they’re not worth prioritizing. We often think that by giving so much of ourselves, people owe us the same. But actually it’s by loving and prioritizing ourselves that we signal to others to do the same for us.

8. Learn to give yourself love and validation instead of relying on others for it. Understand that you’re valuable and lovable for who you are, not what you bring by doing, giving and helping. This is a lot easier said than done, but you can refer to my article on self-compassion for a starting point on how to start to speak kindly to yourself and recognize how incredible you already are. 

9. Healing and personal transformation work. If you’re someone who people-pleases, overgives and strives for perfection, inner work can help you understand where that comes from and start to shift to healthier behavior. There are plenty of avenues for this and it’s quite a personal choice. What I’ve found most helpful for myself are: therapy, working with a burnout coach, To Be Magnetic’s workshops, working with an amazing integrative medicine provider and consuming personal growth books and online content.

All of these have helped me immensely in becoming more aware of my people-pleasing, overgiving and perfectionism and starting to shift to healthier behaviors that are grounded in my own core values and self-worth. I’m definitely not fully there yet (not that there ever is a ‘fully there’). I still find myself sometimes catering to others’ needs when it’s not in integrity for me. Or holding myself to the highest standards, even in the more aligned and creative work I’ve been engaging in post-burnout. And that’s okay. The main thing is that I’m noticing and can decide to change course if I want to. 

📋 Takeaways

• People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of our own.

• Overgiving is the act of giving more of our time, energy, and resources than we actually have capacity to or genuinely want to give.

•  Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame. (Brené Brown)

• People-pleasing, overgiving and perfectionism can contribute meaningfully to burnout. There is also a connection between emotional stress and chronic illness.

• You can start to shift out of these behaviors by:

  • Educating yourself on how these behaviors show up and where they come from.

  • Reflecting on how you engage with them and your own motivations

  • Noticing where you feel most resentful

  • Learning how to set boundaries

  • Reconnecting with what you want

  • Remembering that prioritizing yourself signals to others to do the same

  • Learning to love and validate yourself versus seeking it externally

  • Healing & personal transformation work

🪞 Reflection

If you’d like to look within at your own people pleasing, overgiving or perfectionism, I invite you to journal on the following questions:

1. Write about a time you recently prioritized others’ needs above your own, overextended yourself or strived for unattainable standards. What motivated that behavior? 

2. If the motivation was not in alignment with your integrity, values and capacity, what’s one thing you could have said or done differently in the moment?

3. If you were to make that change, what’s the worst thing that could’ve happened? What’s the best thing that could’ve happened?

Thank you so much for reading. I’d love to hear your feedback so I can improve and serve you better. Feel free to email me any feedback or you can fill out my anonymous two-minute survey here. 

Appreciate you!

With love,

Roslyn 💚