💚 Self Compassion for Burnout (and... Everything)

When I was burnt out, my self-talk was atrocious.

• “You could’ve done better.”

• “Everyone is more capable, efficient and talented than you.”

• “You procrastinated again. You’re lazy.”

• “You’re letting everyone down.”

• “You’re not a good leader.”

• “You didn’t get through half the things you wanted to do today. What is wrong with you?”

• “You suck at public speaking.”

Ouf. Reflecting on that toxic self-talk makes me so sad for the me that was on the receiving end of all of that. 

Back then, my inner critic was running the show. It zeroed in on my mistakes and inadequacies and discounted my strengths and achievements. It directed me to constantly “do better” without allowing the space to pause and acknowledge what I was already doing well.

In some ways, the inner critic can serve a purpose: it pushes us to learn, evolve, and achieve. It guards against complacency and helps us maintain high standards. It drives us towards excellence.

In her book Self-Compassion, Kristen Neff explains how self-criticism can also be a survival mechanism in that it allows us to criticize ourselves before others (real or imaginary) can. We do this in an attempt to guard against the risk of being rejected and abandoned.

For some, self-criticism is what feels familiar. Perhaps we grew up with parents, a sibling or a teacher that criticized us or those around us. We learned that criticism is a useful and necessary motivational tool, and perhaps, that we have no right to be accepted for who we are.

The dark side of the inner critic is that it often causes anxiety, self-doubt and a chronic sense of never being good enough. It can limit creativity and risk-taking and lead to procrastination for fear of failure. And it can certainly contribute to burnout. These were all true for me.

My inner critic made me procrastinate tasks where I was worried the product would be less than perfect. It prompted me to turn down or pass along certain opportunities because of the fear of my own failure or rejection. It inhibited my creativity and problem-solving skills, often slowing down decision-making. It held me back from showing up as a confident leader.

While many of us self-criticize because we think it will motivate us to be better, the opposite is actually true. Author Brené Brown beautifully says: “shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change”. 

The science behind change tells us that a self-compassionate approach to change sets us up for success much better than a self-shaming one.

For that reason, self-compassion has been a key skill I needed to learn and practice in burnout recovery. In order to heal, I needed to let go of this detrimental tendency, because self-criticism that is not constructive, that is more shaming in nature, is not actually productive for change. 

💚 Shifting from Self Criticism to Self Compassion

If any of this sounds familiar to you and you’re ready to make a shift to be more compassionate to yourself, I’d love to offer you some of the practical steps and practices I took to shift my inner voice to one of more compassion, support and love.

1) Examining and Questioning Limiting Beliefs

1. One of the first things I did (with the support of my burnout coach) was to examine some of the limiting beliefs that were at the core of my everyday negative self-talk. Things like “My value equates to my productivity” and “I need to be perfect in all areas of my life to be worthy of love and acceptance”.

2. Once I’d identified a number of them, we came up with powerful questions like “Where did this belief come from?” and “Is this really true?”. 

3. Then, I started to answer these questions and find evidence to support more empowering beliefs. 

This was a very powerful exercise in developing awareness of where my inner-criticism came from. It allowed me to see those beliefs not as universal truths but as thoughts I picked up from my upbringing, school, work, relationships and society at large. 

I have a lot to say on limiting beliefs so I will write a whole other article to go deeper!

For now, if you're aware of some of your limiting beliefs already, you could try following the above steps. If you’re not sure what limiting beliefs are holding you back already, you might consider:

1. Working with a coach that can help you identify what limiting beliefs are holding you back

2. Start noticing where your actions misalign with your personal values or the life you truly desire. Usually there’s a limiting belief holding us back from taking actions in the direction that’s most true to us.

3. A few great resources that helped me learn more about limiting beliefs are: Martha Beck’s The Way of Integrity, Vienna Pharaon’s The Origins of You, and the Expanded Podcast. 

2) Self-Compassion Journaling 

Unfortunately once we discover where our negative self-talk comes from, it doesn’t just dissolve. In order to reprogram our brains (see neuroplasticity) towards healthier self-talk, we need to actively choose a kinder way of speaking to ourselves, over and over and over again. Ideally, you can do this in the moment. But for many (myself included), our inner-critic can be so ingrained that you only become aware after the fact (if ever).

For me to rewire my brain, I incorporated the following two self-compassion practices into my morning journaling routine.

a) Write down 3-5 things you did well the prior day, and what this is evidence of. 

These things can be major or minor, from navigating a hard conversation at work to cooking yourself a meal. A crucial aspect for me was adding what that thing is evidence of or what it says about you. 

For example: “I handled a hard conversation with grace. It wasn’t perfect, but I stayed calm and in my integrity. This is evidence that I can face my fear of conflict and stay rooted in my values.” 

“I went for a walk outside. This is evidence of my commitment to my physical and mental health”. 

Over time, this practice starts to make it easier to notice what you’re doing well in the moment.

I got the idea for this practice from Liz Tran's The Karma of Success. She talks about how this practice was a major contributor to the successful turnaround of her business.

b) Write a love note to self

This can be a few lines or a couple paragraphs, whatever comes up that day. In my notes, I’m gentle, encouraging, supportive and compassionate with myself. If it doesn’t come naturally (most likely won’t in the beginning) try taking on the tone you’d use with a loved one you want to support and show love to. It actually helps to use terms of endearment with yourself like “darling” or “sweetheart” as cheesy as that may sound.

I’ve found this practice to be very effective in developing a kinder relationship with myself. It demonstrates to myself that I am there for myself, even if no one else is. That I can provide myself the compassion, love, support, security, validation that I have so desperately needed from others to feel okay. This is a really powerful shift if you’re someone that relies on external validation and support to feel okay. I’ve had moments where this practice has been so moving it’s brought me to tears because of how much these words of love and support mean to me. 

I got this idea originally from Piera Geraldi on Active Ingredient podcast. Then I learned about Elizabeth Gilbert’s practice of speaking to herself from love in Eat Pray Love. She now has a whole newsletter called Letters from Love which she describes on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. Highly recommend!

3) Practicing Self-Compassion in the Moment

Shifting to a more self-compassionate inner voice through consistently journaling everyday supported my ability to (sometimes, not always) catch my inner-critic in the moment and choose self-compassion instead.

Kristen Neff’s work says self-compassion is made of three components (which I find very useful to remember in the moments the inner critic is acting up):

1. “Mindfulness: Holding your thoughts and emotions in mindful awareness.

2. Self-kindness: Giving yourself kindness and care.

3. Connectedness: Reminding yourself that encountering pain is a part of the shared human experience.”

For example, if you’re having the thought “I didn’t get enough done today. Everyone is more capable and productive than me”. Instead of focusing on your “failure” itself, you could use:

1. Mindfulness: Notice what you’re feeling - maybe it’s shame, defectiveness, guilt, inadequacy, anxiety. Acknowledge that you’re in pain and that you are deserving of a kind, compassionate response.

2. Connectedness: You could try saying: “It’s normal to not always get all of our work done some days. We all feel the pain of inadequacy sometimes. We are humans, not robots”. 

3. Self-kindness: You could try saying:  “I know you’re feeling inadequate because you didn’t get all your work done. That must be really painful. You also had a really full plate and an ambitious to-do list. Why don’t you reflect on the positive progress you did make?”.

4) Relational Healing

The first three practices are all more internal work focused on developing a more kind and compassionate relationship with ourselves. But I would be remiss to leave out an element of my journey towards self-compassion that has been equally impactful and that I know will continue to be.

In my healing journey, I realized I held (probably still do…) a limiting belief that was at the root of my inner critic. Which is that I need to be someone other than who I am in order to be worthy of love, belonging, and acceptance. Someone more successful and impressive, someone more good, more kind, more giving. Believing this thought caused a whole lot of unhealthy behavior including (but not limited to) my negative self-talk.

As much as the work I've done to cultivate a kinder voice to myself has been impactful, relational healing has been an equally important part of my recovery. I’ve needed to seek out or continue building relationships with people that love me unconditionally, regardless of my mistakes, inadequacies and failures. People that I can be my full self with, reveal my shadow parts to, even cause pain to, and still, ultimately be loved and accepted by. 

That in and of itself has been so healing to me and helpful in understanding that I am intrinsically valuable and worthy of love, that it’s not conditional on my performance or personality or behavior. 

Take notice of the people that make you feel this way. Maybe it’s a best friend, a loving partner, certain family members, even a coach or therapist that supports you unconditionally. These are the people to continue building relationships with.

💚 Takeaways 

These four steps have been powerfully transformative for me. The self-compassion I’ve developed for myself has allowed me to:

• Free up my mind from inner criticism to create more space for creativity, work I love, relationships, joy, and peace.

• Improve my relationships. My own self-compassion has allowed me to develop more compassion for others, including my closest relationships.

• Positively change my decisions and behaviors to support a life of more peace, happiness and wellbeing.

🪞 Self Reflection

If you’re someone who’s victimized by a harsh inner critic, I hope you’ll experiment with any of these steps. Here are a few journal prompts you can start with today.

1. What are three things you did well yesterday, and what are they evidence of? (Refer to Step 2 for examples.)

2. Think of an event that happened in the last week where you were unnecessarily hard on yourself. What would it look like to apply mindfulness, connectedness and kindness to that situation instead? (Refer to Step 3 for examples.)

3. Reflect on an instance where you made a mistake or weren’t at your best, but where you still felt loved and supported by someone. How does that make you feel? What’s one step you can take this month to continue investing in this relationship?

If you feel like it, email me back any of your responses. I’d love to read them and cheer you on!

Thank you so much for being here. 

With love,
Roslyn 💚